On New Year’s Eve this year, as we all anticipated the turnover from 2017 to 2018, I felt something pretty unexpected….
I’ve never been a big fan of going out and staying up late on New Year’s. Somehow the bitter cold and black darkness make that feel counter intuitive. I’d rather go to sleep early, wake up feeling well and rested, and spend some time moving through a practice to start off my year.
Yet, still, when I rose in the last hour before dawn on January 1, I felt neither happiness nor sadness. Neither hope nor despair.
I still felt nothing.
As in, wow (!), normal.
This might not sound significant to you, but, to me, it felt monumental. For the first time in two years, my nervous system has moved out of survival mode and into homeostasis.
As I look back to what my felt sense of reality has been like these past couple of years, the best way I can describe it is that it was like walking around the world backwards, wearing blue sunglasses that made everything look upside down, listening to a recording through headphones that was turned up WAY too loud and spoken in an incomprehensible language, while feeling a persistent, hot irritation– like having a million, tiny red ants crawling all over my insides.
As the systems of my body and structures of my life start to settle again, I can do a few essential things that I haven’t been able to do in a long time.
I can create.
I can study and absorb new information.
And I can step back and ask the bigger questions.
These are pretty basic activities that I used to take for granted. Now I know that when tragedy strikes– betrayal, shock, loss, and/or illness– our bodies and brains are literally incapable of doing them.
Instead, our sole focus is to survive. All of our attention stays fixed on the outer world, leaving us with very little access to the riches of our inner ones.
In the spirit of this, I spent the two weeks that we closed for the holidays in a rather uncommon way. I went on a silent, group meditation retreat for the first week; and I did a 7-day juice fast for the second week.
At the end of these two deeply internal, healing weeks, I feel, once again, that I am standing inside the immense kingdom of my inner life. The satiation of this return feels much like my first bite of food (mango to be exact!) when I broke my fast on New Year’s Day.
To be clear: I’m still inside a process. I’m still healing and spending most of my time alone to create, heal, and practice. I’m still crossing the river of change–not yet standing on the other shore as a new Sara.
Yet, now I’m closer to my future than I am to my past. I’m much more settled and “here” again. And I’m making a commitment to no longer talk about my past (except in rare cases when it may be used to teach or empower others) and, instead, to focus all of my energy on creating my new life.
When the future is uncertain, the best thing we can do is create it!
With this, I’m creating some new things this year, this monthly letter being one of them. Going forward, each month I’ll send you a personal update like this one called “Sara’s Monthly Insights.”
These letters are meant to be intimate touchstones of connection between us. Places for me to share fresh discoveries and deeper stirrings.
I’ve also created a schedule for myself this year where I can be on a semi-sabbatical. I’ll be working part time here at The Way of the Happy Woman, and, during that time, I’ll be focusing solely on leading The SHE School 2018 (and it’s new “mastermind” component, The SHE Leadership Circle, which I’ll tell you more about in a few days).
I won’t be hosting a live event or taking on any private mentoring clients, aside from those in my mastermind group. Instead, I’m spending the year to focus on healing, creating my new self and life, and diving into deeper, uncharted dimensions of my inner world.
As I share this all with you, I’m no longer feeling… nothing. Now I’m feeling excited! For these new changes, a new chapter, and a new life. It’s all going to be so much greater and grander than I could have ever conceived from the vantage point of my old reality.
Starting on Thursday, you’ll get to taste some of these changes first-hand.
I’ll be releasing the first episode in a new mini-series on the podcast (you’re going to have to wait for the name!). And, I’ll be unveiling the exciting, new changes in store for The SHE School 2018 when registration opens that same day.
Until then, keep seeing this new year with new eyes. Keep feeling it with awake senses.
See you on Thursday with more of my new creations….